@david8hughes
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
@heymonroe
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
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@david8hughes
@abbycohenwl
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
@SonderLawliet
a god among men
@the_rock_chic
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
@gitson_shiggles
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
@ShortSleeveSuit
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
@EvileSkull
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
@minealone6
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
@sug_knight
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
@MoneypennyNaked
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.