Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore


Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies


A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…


No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….


[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?


Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin


Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no