alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I’m batman.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Throwback to this classic tweet from the World Cup. 😂
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.