@boomdingwinning

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

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@whatdreamsmaygo

alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I’m batman.

@CharmandBrains

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

@ninjadinosaur1

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@david8hughes

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.