Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
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[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
We cut our bangs at dawn.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.