Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
A drum solo but on your face.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.