Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
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My background check bounced.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”