@Smurfettude

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

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@nickcreelman

Some people say they have a hamster on a wheel in their head. I have 4 squirrels fighting over an acorn.

@kate_smithxx

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

@MUMSIEesq

Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.

@spcycucumber

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@Bexdora

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

@MikeRevenaugh

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”