Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
bought wrong eggs
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Bike for sale
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.