FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
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Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Coke is just cherry coke after it’s lost its virginity.
Only attractive people that get laid all the time troll people on the internet. Everybody knows that.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me