Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
One of the best
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs