Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*