Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
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My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Unimpressed
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.