@Momfia

Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.

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@derkanergy

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

@Rohit_And_Run

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

@Book_Krazy

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

@MelvinofYork

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

@notfaizzy

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

@LittleMissAngr1

After a couple of glasses of wine, I realise that I am so charming I should be charming even louder

@Izianikapani

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.