Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.

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*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”


I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.


I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.


Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place


…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.


After a couple of glasses of wine, I realise that I am so charming I should be charming even louder


Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.