Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me irl
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.