Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
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Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.