Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
🙀🙀🙀😹
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman