Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
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colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
first you must answer his riddles
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
j o i m p
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.