“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Black Friday “markdowns” like
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“We will wed,” I threatened