“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Animal poetry
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone