Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
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My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I can’t wait!
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Lunatics are gonna loon.