Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
You Might Also Like
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.