I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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Herpes sounds like the name of a greek god
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.