@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

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@DevilryFun

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

@toomanytoes

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

@sophielou

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

@effinghandbook

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

@bug_deal

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

@atamba_lakeli

My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food

@13spencer

I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.