Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana