Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
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I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs