“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.