Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
kids play hide and seek like
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.