@BackrowSeats

Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.

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@skittle624

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

@jackiembouvier

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

@inanimatecorpse

I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich

@Marcmywords2

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

@ch000ch

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

@SamuelHLowe

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!