you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
There is no “ea” in Tim.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.