What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
Now my CD’s are missing.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
*helping son with math problem*
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!