Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
You Might Also Like
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
New Tinder profile.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Look at this
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.