Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
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Baller is short for ballerina
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead