Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
thanks auntie mary
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers