Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.