Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
