@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

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@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@BradBroaddus

Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”

@ComradTwitty

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

@kieransofar

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

@kumailn

My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.

@kylamb16

“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”

Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.

@ComicalFoxer

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

@xysist

If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.

@bobvulfov

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums