@SaraESpivey

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

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@SonOfCha

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

@darinlovesbacon

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@JohnLyonTweets

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@thetobbie

One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming…

@elle91

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.