Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!


Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.


Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.


My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago


[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?


“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.


(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)



One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming…


Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.