Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”
Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
My Game Of Thrones review: Even my cat is a mess.
“Cats typically sleep 16-20 hours per day.”
Yes. Hi. I’m interested in the position.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there