Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
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Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Big Sex has us all fooled
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me