Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
quarantine day 3
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No