remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

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A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE


lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis


What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*


If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.


Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.


If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.


[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters


You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.


I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.


HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?

DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks