@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

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@KerryHowley

My son just asked me if I when I was little I had to stay inside for COVIDs 1 through 18

@Storminika

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

@AKcrazy18

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

@spinubzilla

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

@ItsAndyRyan

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

@3sunzzz

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

@sweetg35

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.