A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?
DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks