remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Confused owl: What?!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?