Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
why am I working on Labor Day
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel