Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce