Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
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Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
catch me on valentine’s day like
Ha
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.