“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
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*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine