Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.


I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me


A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.


Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt


[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up


Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.


Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.


What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed