all i wanna do is
find the safety on this gun
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.
*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Boy: Mike’s dad?
*boss at staff meeting*
Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?
Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales