@parttimewinner

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

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@NOTVIKING

all i wanna do is

*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*

find the safety on this gun

@FunnyBison

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

@pilau

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

@astutenewf

*boss at staff meeting*

Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting?

Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

@don_haworth

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

@crocodilethumbs

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

@AsgardianRose

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@CruisinSoozan

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

@TheDinky

If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales