Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.