@parttimewinner

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

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@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@GloriaFallon123

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

@CharmandBrains

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

@daemonic3

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@Ray_stephan

Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@mommajessiec

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed