Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.