@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

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@Mom_Overboard

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

@leannuh

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

@bananagrvyrd

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

@Grommit56

If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.

@GrantTanaka

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

@BucMarvin

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

@vanluvz1

Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.