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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*



All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.


According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”


Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.


If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.


[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people


It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.


Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.