*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.