@realHamOnWry

Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.

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@KeetPotato

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

@DaddyJew

IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?

@sock_holliday

[FIRST DATE]

Me: I don’t know if you think this is weird but you remind me of my mother

Her: Can I put her picture down yet?

Me: I’ll tell you when you can put the picture down Rebecca

@anerdonfire2

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

@RandomRamblr

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

@bourgeoisalien

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

@MarfSalvador

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

@pixelatedboat

You (dumb, hasn’t seen Fight Club): If I buy things I’ll be happy
Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I’m going to punch someone in a basement