imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Remember to keep the ‘inmate’ in ‘intimate’ by getting married.
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IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
A date so good…
I eat 10 more.
Me: I don’t know if you think this is weird but you remind me of my mother
Her: Can I put her picture down yet?
Me: I’ll tell you when you can put the picture down Rebecca
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You (dumb, hasn’t seen Fight Club): If I buy things I’ll be happy
Me (smart, has seen Fight Club): I’m going to punch someone in a basement