Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.


MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.


Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.


“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol


If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.


My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.


I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?