Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.