@jannable9

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

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@AlexRogaski

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

@Sam_Alan33

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don’t get married you idiot.

@NeinQuarterly

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

@GrandadJFreeman

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

@Cheeseboy22

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

@ericonederful

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

@jannable9

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?