[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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It’s important to make her feel wanted…
….so I called the cops on her.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
*from under the refrigerator*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred