@jannable9

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

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@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@better_off_dad2

It’s important to make her feel wanted…

….so I called the cops on her.

@yenniwhite

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

@Darlainky

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@krisv_723

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

@WildeThingy

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

@moose_chocolate

Super Mario Brothers left me with highly unrealistic expectations of how exciting a career in plumbing would be.

@BoogTweets

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

@Shade510

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin