Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
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*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Guys, I found it.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that