Remember: tomorrow is TOPLESS TUESDAY no matter what human resources tells you.

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*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*


I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.


Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.


Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?


It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.


OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!


I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.


As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”