Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’ve had worse
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*