Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me checking my bank balance online.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there