Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
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[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.