@jellybnbonanza

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

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@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@LnL245

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

@ThaJawn

(gym)

Me:
*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it

Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!

Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip

@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

@mindintheshadow

My ex is looking for a job but I don’t think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she’ll be unemployed for a while.

@carlyken

Friend apologizes for mess.
Friend has immaculate house.
Open her closet.
Out comes 78 books, a piano and a gentleman squirrel in a top hat.

@BillCorbett

Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.

@UncleDuke1969

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.