Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Finally, an explanation.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir