Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

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God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*


[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell


hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺


Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean


Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet


Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.


“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”


I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*


The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower


Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™