Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever