Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.