Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
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She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
No, I don’t think I will.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!