Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.
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wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
“Got any others?”
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
[God creating the frog]
“How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*