Me: don’t ππΌ judge π other π people π be kind βπΌπ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I got banged so hard today Iβm still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but Iβm still counting it.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Thank goodness itβs open for most of Octermeber
Theyβre a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leaveβ¦this is cat day
I havenβt been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.