Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.

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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.


wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework


“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”


You’re not considered an alcoholic if you’re married.


If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.


I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.


Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.


*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.


[God creating the frog]
“How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?”


Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*